It’s been 25 hours. It just kicked in how much I miss her. Up to now, I’ve been in total grief mode just rewinding the last few minutes of her life as they put her to her forever sleep.
That is the only image that has been in my mind. I have beat myself up wondering if I chose the wrong time. Wondering if I made the right decision. wondering if she would have been fine hanging on another year or two. But just now, I instinctively turned the corner in the living room and looked for her, ready to stop and pet her as I always did, dozens of times a day. So it hit me on a new level just how much I miss her. Because I want to touch her now. To pet her and comfort her as I’ve been doing a lot these last couple years.
I would recommend anybody that knows that their pet’s time is almost up and that they will be having to put them to sleep, to do this:
Make a list that runs for a few weeks or even months. On this list, write down every time your pet struggles, or cries or groans from pain, or falls, or shows any symptom of illness, sickness or deteriorating old age. Because after you give them up to their forever sleep, you will second-guess yourself. And your memory will be very short. You will forget 90% of the reasons you and the doctor thought it was best to make the decision in the first place. Your memory will instinctively want to hold on to just the fond memories and let go of the ones of pain and sadness for your pet. So naturally, you will second guess yourself and start beating up on yourself for being inhumane and heartless. But if you have your list to remind you of her pain, you will be reminded instantly of just how heartfelt and humane you actually were.
I guess I am lucky in that my daughter and her dog Goose are staying with me right now. So it is comforting to be able to pet her dog. On the other hand, he is also the catalyst of my tears throughout the day! But that’s ok. I’m better for having him here.